Wednesday, May 22, 2013

An excuse for absence

During the course of this blog's life I've been hiding a pretty big secret.  Nothing dark and gossip worthy, but a secret none the less.  So, without further ado...

I'm not pregnant.

I'm a little college student again.  That's right... an innocent little college student working 40 hours a week and crying my way through mid terms, finals, and sleepless nights.  I love it.

(that wasn't sarcasm)

I love being busy, I love debates, I love writing papers on religion and Abu Graib, I love using my long drives to school as an excuse to listen to audio books, I LOVE IT ALL.

The Background Story

In high school I was an honor roll kid.  I didn't even have to try to make good grades... they just flowed down upon me like holy water.  When I went to LSU with a scholarship and a lame plan to study Horticulture... my grades and interest went south.  DEEP BAYOU STYLE SOUTH.  I had no idea why the hell I chose a degree in which I was allergic to everything I touched (ie:  grass, plants, and the general theme of springtime).  I was confused, frustrated, and broke.  So I did what everyone does when they reach that point...

I started cosmetology school.

The Aveda Institute was a blast, and I discovered I had a knack for hair styling and cutting.  I was happy.  I landed a pretty killer job interning under one of the best hair stylists in Baton Rouge, and I felt as though this was it... this is what I want to be when I grow up. 

After 3 years in the salon, Jason's med school plans started panning out.  We moved to West Virginia for WVSOM, back to Shreveport for LSU, and back again to WV.  Life in the salon world doesn't mesh well with cross country moving.  In fact, it ruins you.  The constant moving, changing salons, building clientele, and boards became a big sink hole to my hair stylist dreams.

That, and the picture of myself in Golden Girl Glamour doing hair at the age of 70 in a booth rent salon with no retirement or health insurance.

That scary mental image, the constant thought of what if I went back to school, and all of the free time that being a student doctor's wife brings you... led me to go for the gold.  Not having a degree was one of those constant, horrible tugs on my heart.  I watched my brainy sister go through law school with what seemed like ease, my husband take brutal exams and interviews for medical school nearly effortlessly, and I thought... I could never do that.  I would never be cut out for that. 

That thought was strange to me, because I have always loved learning.  I loved pushing myself, I loved writing, I loved professor's critiquing me...  So why am I not school material?  What am I missing?  Am I not smart enough for this?

It wasn't until I witnessed a few high school slackers graduate college when I realized that

a. I wasn't stupid

b. I was afraid of failing.

At 18, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  I picked something that didn't fit me, I did terrible, and I felt like a failure.  I lost a scholarship, lost my self esteem, and lost any hope for a dream.  I didn't want to go through that again.  I wanted to find something I could achieve quickly.  I wanted instant satisfaction, and I wanted to find a quick career and make quick money so I could get out of a broken household.  Through that first dreadful year at LSU I wish I could have known that you don't need the answers to everything.  You don't need to have a dream in the beginning, you just need a plan.  I wish I knew student loans were okay, and that being in debt was a necessity when attempting to put yourself through college.  Now, after seeing J follow his dreams I've been inspired to follow mine.

I don't care if I go back to the hair world after I get a degree... I want to succeed in something that seemed unachievable earlier in life.  

I find myself getting frustrated that I did not go back earlier, but I like to think that's a good regret to have.  Challenges are fun and hard to overcome, but achieving something you never thought you could is pretty rewarding.  I'm not finished with school (I still have at least 2 years left), but the mere fact that I enrolled and finished my first year back brings a new sense of achievement that I've never experienced before.  Going back was scary and even somewhat embarrassing.  I always feel like an old lady in class.  An old lady who worries about homework, never skips class, and who has more in common with the nerdy professor than most students.  ha!

So, dear friends, that is the long detailed version as to why I've been MIA lately.  Sorry I did not tell you sooner.  I wanted to succeed first.  :)  I wanted to know that I was really going to stick with it before I shared the ins and outs.  I think you'd be proud to know that thus far, I have had an all A semester.  HOLLA!

What fears are you overcoming?


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