Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Dodging the Dog Lady

Last night I found myself peeking out my window before going outside, scoping out the cross street before rounding the corner, and skipping out on quality outside time in 70 degree weather.

This is not like me.  I normally take the road most traveled, or the one with the most people currently walking so that I can "casually" bump into someone and strike up a useless conversation in hopes of expanding the friend circle from one (Bri) to two (anyone).  So why am I dodging interaction and gorgeous weather you may ask??

My puppy Mose has made a new friend in the neighborhood, and by new friend I mean he's found another dog to take advantage of sexually while barking loud and obnoxiously in our front yard.  Yes, he knows what the ladies like.  This new dog is named Misty.  She's a Jack Russell with a pimp limp and a typical, CODE RED dog owner.  The dog owner does not pick up on the usual social cues such as:  

"Well, we better get going..."

"Mose is being so loud, I should bring him in so we don't wake our neighbors."

"I really need to get dinner started."

"I'm not wearing a bra, so I should probably get out of the street."

But more importantly, she thinks normal conversations include descriptions of dog poops, fleas, ticks, and dog humping.  Now, I understand that I just celebrated my dog's first birthday by cooking him a steak and sweet potatoes #puppiesarepeopletoo, BUT I do know how to appear normal to strangers.  I think.

Yesterday morning, around 7:15 AM our new friend came strolling in front of our house (bra-less herself), and decided to make a pit stop in our front yard so Misty and Mose could have a hump play date.  

I know you're all thinking, 

"This chick just complained for a WHOLE YEAR because she never talked to anyone, and now she's upset about a little CODE RED dog owner?!?!?!"  ( See: Hello Boards. Goodbye Husband. )

It's more than that.  I promise.  

You see, I'm not a morning person.  I love morning time because it comes with my two favorite things... coffee and silence.  I am sincere when say I do not do well with others in the morning.  I think there should be a rule in every household that no one speaks until at least 9:00.  I'm telling you... this world would be a better place!

So, this dog lady.  She's invading my silence.  She's taking away the joy of my ONLY cup of daily coffee, and more importantly she's replacing it with a big hunk of awkward.  After nearly an hour of standing in my front yard using every excuse I could think of to get away from the humping dogs and Code Red, I literally just walked to my front door and waved goodbye.  

So long, manners.  (Sorry, Mom)

To make things worse, J and I were walking the streets yesterday evening and CODE RED came back to the house looking for us while we were gone.  Thankfully, Bri sent a warning text...

I'm so lucky to have a friend/neighbor who understands the severity of this situation.

Upon receiving this text, J and I decided to change our evening stroll route.  Bri updated us again with, "She's heading West on Virginia Street", and we were able to SUCCESSFULLY dodge Code Red.  


J is currently working on a book of excuses for our next two years here in Charleston with Code Red.  He better get busy, I'm ready to enjoy my new swing.

Am I alone in this, or do you dodge your neighbors too?



  1. Cap, you're adorable! Love that you have someone looking out for you so you were able to avoid code red! I have neighbors who are very nice people but don't seem to understand social cues either! Car parked outside that's not mine....don't bother me I just might have company and can't talk for an hour! Really people? !

    1. Thanks, Ms. Susie! I'm sorry you have a Code Red too! I'll share are excuses with you if you need them! ;)